Where does the feeling of not being enough come from?
As young toddlers and children, provided we have not experienced traumatic events, most of us have a strong sense of self and self-worth. As a young child I was so proud of myself for being able to count up to 10. It was wow, look at me.. I am the best..
Like the proverbial story of going into a kindy and asking “who can, run, paint, sing, etc”…..
Then in primary school – this became less
High school even less and more specifications
What happen to that young girl who believed in herself, who knew that she could do anything that she wanted to do, who knew that with hard work or practice, she can get there. She backed herself fully and always.
Who stole her dreams, passions and hopes?
No-one stole it. She gave it away freely for the lies that she adopted from others and her environment.
Growing up we learn that our parents get happy when achieved or did good things, so to get the praise and sense of validation, we did more of that. Teachers, schools, society praised us for being the best, so we valued ourselves as only good enough when we were achieving. And when we were told we can’t or not good, initially we protested and fought this – of course I can… but slowly, we started to believe the lies.. Not because we were inadequate, but because we let ourselves believe we were inadequate.
Sadly, the pendulum has now swung the other way, where we get praised for just showing up. No work needed. This has its own issues and is a topic for another day and this is not what I am advocating here. It is not so much the way that things are done that needs to change, but the internal messages we create.
Conditional worth
So, for many people, you learnt conditional worth or value rather than the unconditional worth and value that you were born knowing and feeling. If you experienced a traumatic event early in life, this sense of not being enough was deeply ingrained.
Even those with good parents and a good upbringing still learnt “I am not enough”. Or that I am only enough as long as I achieve or do what is right. The problem with this thinking is that it is very fragile. You are only worthy in that moment and in the next you can lose it all – just keep walking that fine line.
This creates anxiety and tension and for many people, they spend their lives trying to fill a void, trying to prove to themselves and others that they are actually enough.
What does it mean to be a Seeker?
Seekers will attend one self-development course after another. Always with the hope that the next one will give them what they are looking for, or will provide the healing.
For some people, this idea of healing and being enough might be placed in marriage or becoming a parent with the idea that then I will be loved fully by someone and then I can be worthy.
But of course, nothing works because the wound is internal and no amount of external work will heal and internal wound.
The problem with being a seeker is your energy is always on seeking – looking for the healing on the outside. It is stuck in what I call victim mode – some-one or some technique will save me.
Seeking means never giving yourself permission to stop seeking and actually find what it is you are seeking. Even when you find it, it feels wrong to stop the search, because there must be something more out there.
How to be okay with you
A few simple (but that does mean easy to implement) steps. Steps on paper are always so much easier than putting them in action.
Step 1 - Recognise the lie
Recognise that you, like most people have bought a lie that states you are not enough. You are and always will be enough. There is nothing wrong with you and there is nothing that you need to fix about you. This does not mean that now you can live on the rubbish heap of life and do nothing, because that is not how you honour this great You that you are. This is where the work actually starts – getting off that rubbish heap and walking away.
Step 2: Give up the lie
You made the lie, you own and lived according to its rules. Now it is time to re-write the rules of your life. This is scary because it means taking ownership of your life. If things go badly, you are responsible. If things goes well, still you and only you are responsible. No more playing the victim, no more playing small.
For some people, this can be a painful process because they realise that they have given most of their lives to living as a victim, living at the bottom, middle or on top of the rubbish heap of life… but never being free from the rubbish heap.
Step 3: Re-write your script
This is about changing how you see yourself and treat yourself. I am not a fan of affirmations – because in my opinion, they don’t work. Simply because we cannot lie to ourselves.
This is the longest and hardest part of the steps because it is about actively changing life-long processes. Take a critical look at yourself and your life.
- Are you living in a way that honours who you are?
- Do you carry or treat yourself with respect?
- Do you care about yourself the way you would someone who you admired or loved?
- Do you talk to yourself the way that you would to someone who you loved and respected?
Mindfulness and the Self-Love approach that I teach help to give you tools to re-set the script and give up the lie.
Mindfulness practices at its core (depending on the focus of the technique) can be simply about learning how to accept and later celebrate that you are this amazing creature, unique, rare and precious, gracing us with your presence in this time and space.
You are one of a kind
The only human being with your genetic makeup, your mannerisms, your skills, talents, beliefs, everything that makes you up is what makes you extremely rare and precious. I hope and pray that soon, you will realise this and start living your greatness.
To discuss giving up your lie and living your greatness get in touch with Bhavna today for a chat.